Are the lines: “I still don’t know what I want” and “I’m figuring it out” too familiar to you these days?
If it’s a No, then you’re in a good place. If it’s a Yes, don’t fret, because a lot of us are going through the same thing.
An ashtray, to me, has always been a sign of being idle. I smoke when I’m waiting for someone. I smoke when I get off the gym and couldn’t figure where I was heading next yet. I smoke after breakfast, while trying to figure out my agenda for the day.
As a kid, I always had a big plan. I always had a perfect picture of what goals I wanted to achieve, and it often came with that big plan to get there. In some ways, I’d have to agree that sometimes 5th graders seem smarter.
These past 6 months, a lot of friends have been telling me that I don’t seem to know what I “really” want for myself. I keep changing my mind on a lot of things that are important; like, what business should I next get into, what type of person do I wanna date, what I’m gonna do for my birthday, do I wanna get married or just live-in with someone, kids… I get friends looking at me so puzzled when these questions are thrown at me, because almost all of them already have it figured out.
Apparently, not me. My friends have long been in the dating scene, and at this point, they’re already set on settling down. I’ve heard numerous reasons why they’re tired of the dating game, and I admit that they make sense. It’s terribly tiring! The whole cycle of getting to know someone, waiting for the next dates, seeing turn-ons, turn-offs, ending the date, and there you go! On to the next! — whew. Just writing that feels exhausting.
So when me and my friends talked randomly about it, they we’re so happy that they were all on the same page. They were even so enthusiastic and all giddy because they found a common ground (given that we’re all different). And guess what? Their mouths just flung open when I said: “I think it isn’t time for me to settle down just yet” and given their opinionated nature, I heard the words “But we’re nearing 30!” “Aren’t you tired of dating yet?” and all I could say was, “I don’t know. I just think it’s not yet time for me to go down that road yet”
I’ve been thinking a lot about that answer of mine, and I still think it was honest. I mean, who doesn’t want a big cuddly, long-term, true-loveish kind of relationship? Everyone does. But matters of the heart are a big gamble. YOU’LL NEVER KNOW. And at this point in my life, I don’t wanna put a big sign on my forehead saying “In for the long haul” or “Will date for long relationship” or “Looking to settle down”. We’ve all been burnt before, and just like everyone else, I still want to settle down with one person someday. I can still gamble. I still want the whole shebang of it. I’m just not too excited for a heavy commitment.
The last thing we want is to get too consumed, that when things fall apart you lose a part of yourself again. — which will lead you to irrational urges to drink, party, go on vacation, find yourself, until you feel like you’re whole again. By experience, It’s more tiring to rebuild a broken person than to go on dates.
I like my current state. I don’t know a lot of things regarding the future, but I’m certain about three things:
1. I’m too old to make romantically-irrational decisions
2. Being single isn’t all that bad, especially because it’s convenient.
3. Eventually, I’ll know when its already time for a big commitment.
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