Still Nothing…Going on 30

imeydz

I remember the “What’s going on video” back in my teens. I found it so cool, seeing all the stars sing together in one music video. I remembered memorizing the entire lyrics in about 2 days, without really thinking about what the video meant.

Disclaimer: This is not a socio-political post. There’s way too much of that going on in facebook. Nope, not this one.

I guess I clipped an image of this ’cause of the title. “What’s going on?”.

Have you ever felt like you we’re stuck in a hellhole for… way too long? Like, literally on a downward spiral for a few years now? I’m not Jaded, nor a Cynic, but a lot of times, I feel this way. What’s going on?

Through the years, my feed has been filled with engagements, weddings, baptisms, and a lot of baby pictures. It’s cute. It’s fun. I love it. But it also nudges me a little. These past months, the number has doubled. Now, I see 3-5 new announcements like these in my feed on a daily basis. And while I wish them good tidings and all, It sometimes makes me reflect on what’s going on with my life.

Unlike most people who feel like the world revolves around them, I know that I don’t have the worst life or fate, in this world.

This year was quite a good year. After almost four years of searching and screwing up my life (believe me, I hopped onto four career industries!), this year, I finally found where I wanted to be. I’m now working in the film industry. [so I bid farewell to the Medical, Recruitment, Entrepreneurship, Marketing, and all other fields who treated me well, but just wasn’t a fit]

I finally found where I wanted to be in, and it feels great. There is such great relief, after years of feeling like an entitled b*tch baby who didn’t know what to do in life.

Grateful as I am, I’m afraid that there are parts of my life I neglected. (at this point, you can judge me if you must). The years I spent hopping from one industry to another was a difficult one, and I admit, I do have a good sense of YOLO. I wanted a release from all the stress and unhappiness, so I went on a lot of illogical drinking sprees. I went out on dating sprees too. I went on a gym binge. I went on a chemical binge. I wanted release so bad all the time, that it became my default. And now, I guess I’m paying for it.

Being new in the film industry, I don’t have a name yet. So I’m not a bigshot anything here. Being here in this industry meant starting from the bottom, at age 27. And I said yes to it. After all, who wouldn’t do anything to keep something you long searched for? I said ‘Yes’, and I don’t regret it. It has a multitude of UPs, it’s amazing. But the downsides are pretty bad too. Starting from the bottom meant accepting a salary that was close to my first work’s salary, about 6 years ago. And Believe me, it’s really hard. I had some success in the industries I came from, and they were all financially awesome. But now, there have been drastic changes in my life, because of the choices I’ve made.

I’ve been flat broke for months.

I have this laptop from my savings from my recruitment job.

I have a car from my marketing job.

But believe me when I say that that’s about everything I have. I can’t pay bills on time, and I have some debt here and there.

It’s pretty painful, but there’s no one to blame but me. I wasn’t happy with my past fields. It didn’t feel right. And though it seems like I AM a crappy and impractical person, my desire to be happy wasn’t superficial.

I didn’t grow up in a happy home, and my father was the sole provider, and he passed when I was halfway through college. So at a very VERY young age, I became our family’s breadwinner. I put my sister to school, while constantly providing food and shelter for my siblings and my mom. Happy wasn’t a word I was used to, growing up. “Suck it up” was mostly the words that ran through my head. I know that this doesn’t justify all the drinking sprees I’ve been to, all the senseless spending too. But I’m aware that those are mistakes. I know that my deeply-rooted desire to be happy doesn’t justify the impractical choices I’ve made. But I also think that normal people go through sh*tholes and hellholes like me. And we all own up to them in the end. So yes, I’m owning up to them. I almost don’t go out anymore, and I’m very focused at work, in order to gain career advancement. This is an area I really don’t slack off on.

Now, I’m nearing my 30’s, and it’s only now that I’m realizing that I’ve been in a downward spiral for a long time now. (anyone else? Raise your hand, please!) Seeing all these people get to a next level with their lives, getting married, having kids… it makes me wonder where I stand right now. It makes me feel that my age is all about steps to a stable “next level” kind of future, yet, here I am starting from scratch…

Last week, I had a quiet conversation with my biological body clock, and I realized that, apart from my career, I also wanted a ‘next level’ thing for my life. I realized that I wanted to spend my 30’s raising a kid. Not on my own, of course. Parenting is a job for two, so strong single parents are superhumans! 🙂

I think that aside from this career I’m in, I very much want to be a family man. I want to spend my 30’s raising a kid, making breakfast, sobbing when I have to go to work, looking forward to weekends with my family. That’s who I want to be. That’s not how a lot of people see themselves nowadays, so I guess I’m an old soul. But, this I know from the depths of my soul. That’s where I want to be. And if it’s true that if were intent on what we want to get, the universe will conspire to get us there… I say, “Thank you in advance. Namaste.” I can’t wait to be on that next chapter. 😉

 

 

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